Get Shouty

A new friend of mine is going through a hell of a life change. After being safely enclosed in a domestic arrangement for over a decade, he’s now single and living in a share household. Along with the expected issues was one I hadn’t really considered:  dealing with the utter destruction of his sense of personal space.

Being an attractive and charming lad he has had a few occasions of being literally besieged by female attention. He had tried a number of strategies to communicate his wishes and nothing was working. Eventually escorting one over eager femme to the door was his only option. All the while finding it increasingly upsetting to feel like he had to be rude in order to get the attention to stop.

The pain he was experiencing was real. It struck me that the root of what he was feeling was powerlessness, being out of control. And I had to share the only defence I know that is an ongoing strategy where everyone wins.

Be Funny.

So often the frustration of feeling powerless, of being out of control can lead to rudeness and anger. It’s a cycle that can be cleanly stopped by diffusing and diverting. You can tell someone that they’re being unreasonable and inconsiderate if you can make them laugh at the same time. Silly wins. Laughing at monsters means they have no power over you.

Gavin and I were having a “what’s that all about” conversation about the number of funny bloggers. I think that it’s a reflection of an innate understanding of power.

Creative people tend to shy away from the overbearing and inconsiderate, to be opposed to using force of any kind, and to not want to get involved in that kind of behaviour. So what’s choice that we have when we want our ideas to have weight? I think that the most effective is to be amusing.

Have you ever noticed how people will lean in when someone is telling a funny story, that the speaker can be quiet and also captivate a whole group of people? The person who is generating the laughter is the one who’s in control.

I like the discipline of response to a situation as opposed to a reaction. I do try to be funny when I’m peeved. Not that I’m perfect. Sometimes a perfectly timed, not really ironic threat of violence works too. Hi-YA!

 Sometimes doing research for my job I come across a piece of truth and beauty. One example is  this article “Kindness Counts”.

“It is vital that we use moments of kindness to help children learn how their behavior contributes to the welfare of others. Historically, we’ve done this very well with negative behaviors. We clearly specify what the child did wrong: “You have whined all week long: ‘It’s too hot,’ ‘The lines are too long.'” We share how it affects everyone: “You have made the vacation miserable for the entire family!” Then we add a tag line to drive it all home: “Are you happy now?” Yet, we toss off, “Thank you” or “Good job” when children are helpful.

The long-term impact of focusing on children’s negative behavior and how it affects others is apparent. It is one reason many of us are so clear about our own faults, undervalue our personal worth at times, and underestimate our value to others.

I give many presentations throughout the year to large audiences. Ninety-nine percent of their evaluations of my presentation are outstanding, but one or two attendees sometimes write a negative comment. I inevitably leave these sessions invalidating the positive comments and focus on the two negative ones. That is because like many of us, I have been systematically taught that my ineptness creates distress for others, and that my gifts simply benefit me. We devalue our strengths and helpfulness to others and punish ourselves internally over perceived mistakes.

By reversing this very powerful lesson, we can concretely teach the next generation the abstract values like kindness, helpfulness, and caring. These values are heralded by all major religions and spiritual traditions as essential skills that make a difference in the lives of others. Imagine a child growing up with internal guidance that says, “You are valuable, you make a difference, your gifts benefit others.” Noticing kind acts has the power to do just that.

Recent research shows that kindness counts in more ways than the obvious growth of morality. We are not meant to be completely independent nor dependent, but to give and receive in mutual interdependence. We all seek, on some level, to make a difference and live a life of purpose. As we give to others, we strengthen ourselves. As we receive from others, we allow them to grow. Every kind act, every contribution that we make, bathes our cells in a biochemical mixture of life-enhancing nutrients. The point is, being of service it is a biological necessity that is required for optimal brain development. Random acts of kindness foster the development of the higher centers of our brain.”

I love it for so many reasons, the most powerful for me today is as a result of a rant I indulged in over at CK’s blog. It’s just so easy to get really disspirited about the state of the world, but do we need a banner and a flag to wave to tell people about it? Sometimes definately.

Mostly I think that we just need to be kind to each other.
And notice each other.
And value the power we have inside of ourselves to make a difference- especially those who are blessed with the gift of being able to notice what’s going on in the world around us.
 

Characatures-flyer, originally uploaded by katie_chatfield.

Embrace Flyer, originally uploaded by katie_chatfield.

Beeker found this.

Have we all had to talk clients out of just this kind of approach? (talk about being blown away by an offer!)

You really can’t sell a thing to a prospect that you’ve blasted with a shotgun. (only some people, like the Vice President, can get away with it).  Or blasted with anything. Really.